Can't shake this little feeling-- {Elijah}

[audreyvandergraaf]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-image:url(http://i56.tinypic.com/2v1ndpe.jpg), border: solid #ffffff 5px; width: 200px; height: 500px;] goodbye to sleep i think that staying up is exactly what i need take apart your head take apart the counting and the flock it had bred ► the storm has come It was just after midnight as Audrey tossed and turned, incapable of achieving sleep as her eyes refused to remain shut, her distressed thoughts racing to painful locations. The young blonde had been so tired lately, but for some reason she couldn’t remain asleep. She stared into the endless labyrinth of her room, trying to make out different pieces of furniture in the uninterrupted dark. She was anxious, extraordinarily anxious, and it had been almost twenty-four hours since she had last weighed herself. ”Go back to fucking sleep, psycho.” She attempted to coax herself, but it was useless; all she could imagine when she closed her eyes were the neon numbers flashing on the scale’s digital screen. Debating getting up, knowing fully well that the moment she stepped out of bed she wouldn’t get another wink of sleep, Audrey was left with quite the dilemma. Unfortunately, the ballerina’s compulsive behavior got the best of her, and before she knew it she was racing out of bed, tearing off her T-shirt and panties, leaving her body stark naked. Frantically she kneeled before the bed, pulling out the scale hidden just beneath, and switching on the antique lamp that stood on her nightstand. Her feet instantly grew cold as she stepped onto the scale’s metallic surface, her emaciated figure breaking out into goose bumps as she began to shiver. ”Please be under 105…Please be under 105…” She repeated silently, believing entirely that any weight above 105 lbs was borderline obese for someone of her 5’8” stature. Her weary eyes were slammed shut for exactly five seconds, as she knew the scale was deliberating, and finally, when she her ritual was complete, she opened up her wide-set eyes only to be overcome with horror. ”106 lbs…” She first stated quietly, in total disbelief, ”106 lbs, are you fucking kidding me?!” Audrey shrieked, dropping back down to her bony knees and shoving the damn scale back under the bed, choking back a sudden influx of tears. ”How did you gain 2 lbs overnight, you fat fuck?!” She screamed, indifferent to whomever she may be waking up as she moved quickly to her dresser to find some oversized article of clothing to hide behind. ”I suppose this will suffice, you disgusting cow.” she snarled at the mirror above the bureau, tossing on a bra and a tee shirt before adding a hooded-sweatshirt that could easily function as a dress. Within moments, she was fully clothed and reaching under the bed once more, but this time she wasn’t angling for the scale. Hungrily she grabbed a bottle of Blueberry vodka—Who cares if there was dance practice tomorrow morning? It wasn’t as though she had a future in ballet anyway. Drowning this malady, and ideally vomiting afterward, was far more important as far as she was concerned. Carelessly, Audrey ripped the blue cap off of the tall bottle, tilting her head back as she began to chug, the warm alcohol rushing into her mouth and sliding down her throat. It was at least fifteen seconds before Audrey even removed the opening of the bottle from her wet lips, her bony chest rising and falling rapidly as she was short of breath, her insides burning from the onslaught of the stinging vodka. She relished in the pain, punishing herself for gaining weight, for taking up so much space, for being such an undeniably useless human being; why did they even bother accepting her into Mayview? She was clearly a lost cause. Rather haphazardly, Audrey shoved the now closed bottle of vodka into her large purse and headed for the door, not bothering to fix anything up or turn off any of the lights. Her motor functioning was beginning to suffer as the alcohol ravaged her malnourished body—The only thing that her underfed brain could manage to do was abandon ship. Thus, she stomped out of the room, barely remembering to lock up the place before trudging down the hallway, expecting to punch anyone in the face should she happen upon them on her way outside. Fortunately for Audrey, no such person entered her line of fire. She walked for quite awhile, taking indulgent swigs of vodka, cursing the universe, chain-smoking like madwoman, until she happened upon something that resembled an abandoned warehouse. She was quite intoxicated, walking in apparent zigzags, confused by her surroundings as she thought she saw someone in the distance—What did it matter, anyway? She didn’t have any friends, nor did she want any. ”Well, vodka is my friend, I suppose.” she slurred out loud, no longer really capable to keep her thoughts confined to her head. She squinted, unsure if what she was staring at was a human figure or a traffic sign as she took another swig, chased by a drag of her cigarette. the storm is coming in TAGS: CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT WORDS: 400 + , LYRICS: BRAND NEW - DEGAUSSER , OUTFIT: HERE template made by hay shay ! @ caution 2.0

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[warwick]

[style=font-family: times; font-size: 12px; letter-spacing: 1px; text-transform: lowercase; color: #989898; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;]575 WORDS FOR viola you're looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black lua [/style]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=width,450,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=style, background-color: #6d6d6d;] [style=padding: 10px; text-align: justify; font-family: arial; font-size: 10px; height: 475px; overflow: auto; color: #1e1e1e;]It was well into the night and the temperature continued to drop. Elijah shoved his hands into his gray jacket in attempt to keep his hands warm. The ambien he took a few hours ago was doing absolutely nothing for the insomniac and he was tired of sleeping for only fifteen minutes at a time. Typically Eli would take more than what the doctor had prescribed, but he was running low and it he wouldn't have a refill for another two weeks. He would usually raid some purses at one of his mother's parties, but she hadn't thrown a party in over a month, so Elijah was forced to cut back in order to avoid suspicion. The sophomore left the warmth of his dorm room in order to clear his head in the cold of the night. At this hour, if Eli wasn't able to sleep, he would be getting high off of one or more pills he had stashed away at his dorm or writing. But alas, he was surprisingly not in the mood to be high and he had also recently found himself in a slump. Writing while running on no sleep would have just caused to him to become even more frustrated than he already was. Elijah continued walking through the streets of Hadley, Michigan. The only other people around at this time of night on the streets were the drunks and the homeless, but somehow Eli didn't feel out of place. He turned the corner and saw a very thing, very blonde girl taking a swing at a bottle. Her steps were sporadic and her balance was off. In the other hand, she held a cigarette that she continuously took a drag from between gulps of alcohol. Eli squinted at the dark to make out the familiar figure as she stumbled towards an abandoned warehouse. "Audrey?" Elijah whispered to himself them yelled out trying to get the dancer's attention. "Audrey!" Eli started jogging down the sidewalk and across the street to catch up with his favorite client, fuck buddy, and friend. While Eli was never the type of guy to have friends, Audrey had found her way into some special part of him. He cared for the girl and her well being. Well, the did get high together, but it was always in a decently safe location and Elijah was always with her. Now Audrey was wandering the streets at night drunk and there was a part of him that felt uneasy about the whole scene. Audrey continued to sway rather than walk towards the warehouse. Despite calling out her name, Audrey continued to walk. Elijah ran up to her and grabbed her by the arm, spinning her around. For some reason he found himself really upset. "Are you fucking stupid? What the hell are you doing wandering the city at night? And with a bottle of vodka. Blueberry. Classy." Eli snatched the bottle from Audrey's hand and glared at her. He didn't know why he had gotten so heated. He had planed to stop her and calmly walk her back to the dorms on campus. He would have made sure he spent the night to hold her hair back and just make sure she was okay. Instead he just started yelling. "It's not safe looking like you do and being out by yourself especially in the middle of the night." Elijah had stopped yelling, but his voice was still stern. [/style]

TABLE BY CALIFORNIA DREAMING @ CAUTION 2.0

[audreyvandergraaf]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-image:url(http://i56.tinypic.com/2v1ndpe.jpg), border: solid #ffffff 5px; width: 200px; height: 500px;] goodbye to sleep i think that staying up is exactly what i need take apart your head take apart the counting and the flock it had bred ► the storm has come Audrey let out a pathetic yelp as her friend spun her around, completely disoriented for a moment before realizing that this person was Elijah and that he was screaming at her rather loudly, “Are you fucking stupid? What the hell are you doing wandering the city at night? And with a bottle of vodka. Blueberry. Classy.”

[/i]

The fragile blonde simply stared at the boy, startled as he snatched the bottle away from her, and utterly unprepared for the continuation of his diatribe, “It’s not safe looking like you do and being out by yourself, especially in the middle of the night.”[/i]
There was quite a bit of merit to this statement; public opinion dictates that it is very unsafe to wander near abandoned factories whilst being sixteen and blonde. Although, Audrey was still not having it…

It was the first time the ballerina had seen her friend so heated in a situation that didn’t directly involve drugs. The only time Audrey and Elijah ever screamed at each other was when a pill went missing or when there was only one line left.

Angry and inebriated, the blonde tossed her cigarette to the ground, stomping on it with the toe of her boot. She then stumbled closer to Elijah, her little nose scrunched in anger as she attempted to appear intimidating, “Yes’m… I am-m… st-t-tupid.” She began, clearly having trouble with stringing together coherent sentences, “And it-t-‘s none of yer concern why I’m… here… Yer not my d-d-dad….” Audrey didn’t bother attempting to justify her choice of alcohol—It was pretty trashy.

Reaching a scrawny arm toward the bottle, Audrey swiped at it to no avail, not realizing that she was in no state to wrestle anything away from anyone; as it was, she could barely stand.

“N lookin l-l-like I do? Wha-t-t-t the fuck is that… supp-p-p-posed to mean?” She growled, her inhibition completely thrown to the wind as her drunkenness consumed her, “No ones-s-s gonna try n f-f-fuck me…” she fumbled with her purse, trying to grab another cigarette, but her fine motor functioning was severely impaired. “I’m f-f-fucking disg-g-g-usting…” Audrey managed, her voice suddenly raised as she appeared more hurt than infuriated, “I c-c-can’t d-do anyt-t-thing ri-i-ght.”

The frail girl’s eyes began to well up as she stopped screaming and began to cry, still attempting to light the cigarette that she had finally balanced between her chapped lips. Within a few seconds, Audrey finally managed to strike the match aflame, tears streaming down her cheeks as she took her first drag, staring at the concrete, ashamed.






[/div]

the storm is coming in

TAGS: CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT
WORDS: 400 + , LYRICS: BRAND NEW
- DEGAUSSER ,
OUTFIT: HERE

template made by hay shay ! @ caution 2.0

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[warwick]

[style=font-family: times; font-size: 12px; letter-spacing: 1px; text-transform: lowercase; color: #989898; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;]IDK WORDS FOR viola you're looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black lua [/style]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=width,450,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=style, background-color: #6d6d6d;] [style=padding: 10px; text-align: justify; font-family: arial; font-size: 10px; height: 475px; overflow: auto; color: #1e1e1e;]Elijah had seen many sides of Audrey. The two weren't lovers by any means but they were friends and maybe even more importantly buyer and dealer. The two had been high around each other more times than not and Eli could draw every freckle on Audrey's naked body...if he could draw of course. He had seen the teenage girl happy, angry, hyper, sad, excited, but he could not remember ever seeing her cry. The tears that flowed from her eyes shocked him and he suddenly felt very awkward. "Come on...don't do that." Eli rubbed his temples, not sure what to do. For a writer, he was never good with human emotions. He didn't know what was appropriate or inappropriate when someone was crying. Do you hug them? While the sixteen year old loved a good fuck, he was not the type to hug. Do you offer a tissue? Do you ask them if they're going to be okay? Elijah was never put in a position of the comforter and his complete lack of experience left him feeling uncomfortable. "Audrey, you're no fuck up. You're a great dancer and you're a smart girl. Well, maybe not right now. I mean, you can't honestly believe a guy wouldn't fuck you if he had the chance. I couldn't imagine what I'd do if someone took advantage of you. You're gorgeous, okay?" Elijah reached into his back pocket and pulled out his own pack of cigarettes. The little devils weren't really his style, but it kept his mouth busy until he could get back to his stash of pills at home. He lit the cigarette and took a drag, feeling his nerves calm slightly. He rubbed his head a again, feeling a killer headache form. Eli glanced back at the overly skinny ballerina. He knew that she was anorexic. No girl was that skinny without having some sort of eating disorder. The two had simply avoided the topic until now. "Tell me what happened." Elijah took another drag of his cigarette, preparing himself. [/style]

TABLE BY CALIFORNIA DREAMING @ CAUTION 2.0

[audreyvandergraaf]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-image:url(http://i56.tinypic.com/2v1ndpe.jpg), border: solid #ffffff 5px; width: 200px; height: 500px;] goodbye to sleep i think that staying up is exactly what i need take apart your head take apart the counting and the flock it had bred ► the storm has come As Audrey’s bony chest heaved, she began to lose her breath; between smoking and hyperventilating, it became sort of difficult to take in the proper amount of oxygen. She leaned into Elijah’s comparatively sturdier build as though she was hadn’t been yelling at him less than a minute ago, her wet face pressed against the boy’s bare neck. She struggled to steady her hand as she lifted her cigarette to her lips, facing away from the confused teen with her chin softly planted between his clavicle and his shoulder. The ballerina had a difficult time listening as her friend, or lover, or whatever-the-fuck-he-was-to-her, attempt to console her. Great dancers didn’t take season-long hiatuses as they were carted from hospitals to rehabs. Smart girls didn’t drink alone and seek comfort from their drug-dealers. Gorgeous girls had men who committed to them, not random boys who fucked them hard and then went on their merry way. The only thing she could believe was that guys would fuck her if they had the chance; it was the only constant throughout the young dancer’s life, men fucking her when the opportunity presented itself. ”Tell me what happened.”

[/i] The boy stated softly, lighting a cigarette himself. Audrey had only witnessed Elijah smoke a few times prior to this moment, but she supposed that dealing with this brand of draining psychological breakdowns required the aid of some nicotine. Gradually, the frail girl pulled her face away, still steadying an arm against the boy’s unmoving frame.

”It’s st-t-t-upid.” she slurred, incapable of making eye contact, too mortified to look Elijah straight on as she confessed her sins. ”I g-gained-d t-two p-p-pound-d-ds,” she began, resisting the urge to gag as the words escaped her mouth. It was so much more painful to state out loud. ”You w-w-would-d-dn’t und-d-derst-tand-d-d…” Audrey’s voice trailed off in hiccup, her eyes bleary and red, ”Y-you’v-ve never-r had-d someone..” She paused for a moment, attempting to regain her composure as the tears began to fall faster, ”p-pinch-h-h y-y-your sid-d-des and t-t-tell you that-t-t you’re t-t-too fat-t-t.”

The sixteen year old stepped away, turning to face the decaying brick wall of the factory, the lump in her throat bobbing, her stomach twisted in painful knots, her shoulders slumped in shame, ”And-d-d that-t-t wasn’t-t-t even the worst p-part-t… j-just t-the beginning-g.” She tossed her cigarette, stomping it out angrily with her shoe, ”It-t’s not-t worth even t-t-talking-g ab-bout… S-s-sorry. Fuck-k-k it-t-t. I’m d-d-done.” Audrey lifted her face up, swallowing hard, refusing to sob for another moment; this was enough embarrassment to last her a lifetime, and she had resolved a long time ago not to pander for attention from anyone. The humiliation was just too much to bear.






[/div]

the storm is coming in

TAGS: SECRETS & SHAME
WORDS: 448 , LYRICS: BRAND NEW
- DEGAUSSER ,
OUTFIT: HERE

template made by hay shay ! @ caution 2.0

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[warwick]

[style=font-family: times; font-size: 12px; letter-spacing: 1px; text-transform: lowercase; color: #989898; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;]IDK WORDS FOR viola you're looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black lua [/style]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=width,450,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=style, background-color: #6d6d6d;] [style=padding: 10px; text-align: justify; font-family: arial; font-size: 10px; height: 475px; overflow: auto; color: #1e1e1e;]All of a sudden, Audrey's weight, all one hundred pounds of it, was against Elijah. He was taken aback by the girl relying on him so much. Audrey was one of the most independent girls he has ever met. She could walk around the bad parts of town without a second thought. She could tell someone off like it was second nature. She was Miss Independent but at the moment, she was a hot mess folded into Elijah's body. Eli was never one to comfort. Whenever he cried as a baby, it was the nanny that patted his back. When he was a toddler, his father would tell him to stop being such a girl. When he was a kid, his parents ignored him. By the time he was nine, he had stopped crying altogether. Now that he was faced with a crying Audrey, all he could do was wrap a strong arm around her fragile frame in hopes that she would stop sobbing so he could gain some insight as to why she was wandering the streets alone at night, drunk. ”I g-gained-d t-two p-p-pound-d-ds." The boys face twisted. Her weight really was everything. Elijah knew very well that Audrey had an eating disorder, hell, the whole school knew about it. She was a major outcast because of it. He saw the way people looked at her when she walked down the halls. The little whispers people passed to one another when her stomach showed. Eli never paid much attention to it all. She was a customer, a friend. Maybe if he had been a better friend he would have offered her something to eat rather than a pill to pop. Audrey continued to explain why her weight meant so much. Dancing. It was her one passion besides drugs and sex of course. It was the one thing that defined her besides her anorexia. But she was right. Elijah didn't understand. He couldn't understand why someone would be willing to starve themselves, cry, drink, and take drugs because someone was telling her she wasn't skinny enough. It just didn't make sense in his head. Elijah took another drag of his cigarette letting it calm his nerves. With his other hand, Eli tilted Audrey's head up so she would finally make eye contact with him. Her eyes were bloodshot and streaks of mascara and tears ran down her cheeks. With his thumb, he slightly wiped away a tear. "You really are a mess, girl." He gave his famous half smile then reconnected with his cigarette. The sophomore dropped the cigarette on the floor and stomped it out as well before speaking. His eyes stayed focused on the ashes on the ground. "You're right, Audrey. I don't understand. I've never had someone tell me too fat. That's because I've never had someone pay that much attention to me. I'm not worth anything, Audrey. I'm a basket case going no where in life. I know it, my parents know it, everyone knows it. But you have such promise. Audrey, you're the most talented ballerina I know. Granted, I don't know many ballerinas, but that's besides the point." Elijah returned his gaze at Audrey. "You're going places. You're going to be a success and I can't have you getting shot in the middle of the night because you're sexy ass decided to be dumb and get drunk in the wrong part of town. So come on, I'm taking you home before I get a migraine. [/style]

TABLE BY CALIFORNIA DREAMING @ CAUTION 2.0

[audreyvandergraaf]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-image:url(http://i56.tinypic.com/2v1ndpe.jpg), border: solid #ffffff 5px; width: 200px; height: 500px;] goodbye to sleep i think that staying up is exactly what i need take apart your head take apart the counting and the flock it had bred ► the storm has come Audrey struggled as Elijah forced her to look him into the eyes, ashamed of her tears as the boy’s thumb pushed them away. ”You really are a mess a girl.”

[/i] There was validity to this statement; the blonde was indisputably an emotional wreck, and her innumerable fits and intoxicated rage fests could easily attest to it. It was a school night, and she was so wasted that she couldn’t even stand without another person physically supporting her, so clearly this sixteen yearold’s life was not headed in the proper direction. She swallowed hard, trembling as she braced for whatever Elijah was about to spring on to her verbally.

Surprisingly, what the boy had to say to her wasn’t cruel in the slightest; if anything, he was much harder on himself than on her, which she hadn’t expected considering her psychotic drunken meltdown. The blonde’s lower-lip quivered, her thoughts now concerned with her friend’s well being rather than her own hang-ups. He may not have considered Audrey anything more than a fuck buddy that he got high with, but she was now beginning to view him as a true friend, someone who would be there for her when she sunk to her lowest points.

”You’re so far from useless, you have so much potential… Don’t say that about yourself… Ever…” the blonde thought silently, too inebriated to respond to the boy in coherent sentences; she may have attempted to mumble a thing or two, but her words were completely incomprehensible at this point. Thus, Elijah continued to speak, and the girl eventually realized that her slurred speech had disappeared into the surrounding night air.

As Audrey’s inebriation began to peak, her vision disappeared into blackness, and only snapshots of the remainder of the evening were etched into her memory: Elijah carrying her limp body on his back as they approached the dormitory buildings. The boy forcing her to appear sober as they creeped through the corridors, hoping to go unnoticed. His hands holding her hair back as she vomited into the toilet, listening to her patiently as she cried nonsense. Lastly, she remembered Elijah tucking her into his bed, positioning her onto her side, kissing her forehead when he thought she wouldn’t remember a thing.

He may be a ‘basket case,’ but he wasn’t a bad guy.


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the storm is coming in

TAGS: FALLING IN AND OUT OF CONCIOUSNESS
WORDS: 372 , LYRICS: BRAND NEW
- DEGAUSSER ,
OUTFIT: HERE

template made by hay shay ! @ caution 2.0

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